Tears in the Dark

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I write this as my baby cries from his crib in the room above me. It's well past his bedtime, but he awoke 45 minutes into his first slumber. As he does most nights. And now he's been crying more on than off for the past hour and a half. Because we're trying something different tonight. I go in and console him for 3 minutes, then leave the room for first 5, then 10, now 15 minute intervals, returning to check on and console him for the 3 minutes in between each round. Before tonight, I would be sitting next to him, singing and shushing and patting his back--anywhere from 5 minutes to two and a half hours--while he fusses and cries and tosses and turns til he finds his way to sleep. And this method of staying with him doesn't seem to progressing us in the path to Kavi becoming a self-sufficient sleeper. And at the moment, this is my top desire. Well, second to me having stretches of sleep longer than two hours, but the two are pretty intertwined.

For me, the cumulative effect of insufficient sleep has found its stronghold. Naps and going to bed early merely help me to keep it together, rather than offering real rejuvenation. It's just too many nightly wake-ups for my body to handle. So here I am "sleep training" my lil guy rather than having him snuggle me each night and nurse whenever he chooses. Which is what we would both rather be doing. But my daytime edgy-moody-grumpy mama-ness isn't working out for our family. Nor is my nighttime silent rage when he has been awake more than asleep in the middle of the night. So now we sleep train. A difficult choice. Funny, but a couple nights ago when I was ready to throw Kavi out the window for screaming at my head for so long, I wouldn't have thought letting him cry for 15 minutes with me out of the room would feel so heart-wrenching. It does. Rumor has it that this method produces quick results and within a few nights he could be going to sleep with ease. That the first night or two are really tough, but then there are big shifts. Positive shifts. I'm praying for that to be our reality. And sending prayers out to all you mamas facing whatever mama trials in your path. May you find growth, peace and expansion in your heart through whatever your babe is teaching you. Time for me to go in and console him again.