What To Do

tag: Wow, it's been a little bit since I've shared here. For many reasons. Not the least of which is resistance. I tend to be a list maker, not wanting to lose track of all those super important little to do's that MUST be done. And I tend to lump everything into one list, all tasks great and small. Fairly regularly I am struck with an inspiration that I'd love to write down...an "ah ha" or a breakthrough that I feel would benefit me down the road as a reminder or just in tracking my processes. And often times things that feel pertinent to share. So these inspirations hit and what do I do? I write it on my list. As I move through each day (not many pass without me checking a list at least once), I scan the list for what most wants/needs to be done. And what's quickest to do. And what do I have the most desire or least resistance to? However it is that I choose what to do, invariably the "blog about this" item gets skipped over. At some point, I go through the several mostly scratched out lists of things and start a new list with the items left undone. I did this yesterday and I ended up with a page of "blog about this". And that was only half of the story as there were many I disregarded...those that felt too old, too integrated, too fuzzy to remember. Of course, none of it really means anything. I still am who I am and have not lost anything simply because I didn't document it. Still, there's something for me in writing about my process as a way to go deeper into it, to learn more from it. And whenever I read a journal/blog entry from the past, I often learn from the person I was then or am able to more fully witness who I have become. It can be comforting, encouraging...proof of my change and growth. Especially in times I'm feeling stagnant. As if nothing has changed around some particular issue in many moons. My writings have always shown me otherwise. So, I'm appreciative to be here now. Even though I could have done any number of other things from my list. And almost did.

outside my door

Seems I've just written an entire post about not writing a post. I'm going to add on to it by sharing one of the "blog about this" items from my most recent list. Essentially it's messages I've received from nature. I spend a lot of time steeped in it. Currently I live in a woodsy area in a carport structure with one wall ever open to the outside world and all my amenities are outdoors...kitchen, shower, compost toilet. I'm also just a mile or so from the Yuba River, a dear friend of mine. Most of my trips to the river are about adventuring, not hanging out. Andres & I love to pick a stretch to explore and we spend several hours hiking, rock hopping and floating our bodies down the river, pleasantly wearied in the end. In these explorations, I've found that the river is quite a teacher, with lots of medicine to share. Floating on a dynamic, ever-changing, fluid transport system requires you to be present, to be "on" both physically and mentally. For me, this opens my channels to take in the layers of what's being shared. Here is some of what I heard on a couple recent excursions that felt like bigger life messages...

Goji & the Yuba

While floating along (no vessel, just my body), I was enjoying the interplay between trusting and allowing the river to carry me and asserting my own course.~Sometimes the journey was fast and exciting, sometimes slow and relaxing, sometimes smooth and sometimes bumpy (my poor bum!)...but in the end it was all ok and I loved the whole ride!~While hiking on the rocky, slippery, ever changing terrain, trusting my own body and being mindful of every step were key.~Reminders to self to stay grounded in the adventure and breathe in the beauty around me, noticing the colors, textures, smells, sounds.~So much changing in every moment! Temperature of the air/water, winding around the bend to a whole new landscape, light changing throughout the day. Deep pools in deep canyons, shallow flow over lots of little rocks, surrounded by huge boulders, a sandy beach....a flowing canvas of rich scenery! Feeling blessed to use my body and steep in nature so fully, such an intimate connection.~Be care full with your precious body, both in action and in thought. I was so enjoying the maneuvering through fast flows, deep pools, waterfalls and boulder hopping the edgier parts of the journey...and I was appreciating how strong and capable I felt to take this journey with River. Appreciating what my body is able to do. And then remembering all the ways I dishonor my body...mostly through negative thoughts and feelings of dissatisfaction with this "too big" piece here and that "too flabby" piece there. And yet, look at what my body carries me through every day! So thank you body, just as you are. I will move towards loving you unconditionally and being mindful of how I treat you...even in my thoughts. Thank you for being the vessel for this radiant spirit of mine! And thank you, Yuba River, for the gentle, loving reminder!

While I'm on a role of sharing, I'm going to add in a few messages I received last week while backpacking in the Tahoe forest in a stunning area of tall pines, large granite outcroppings and many natural lakes.

From the mountains... Do not hold on tightly to what you believe to be true for as you continue further on your path, your perspective is likely to change. Standing atop this mountain looking across the expanse to the distant mountains, how you see them and believe them to be will continue to change, the closer in you get. And the reality of their shape, texture, flavor will be vastly different once you sit atop them, now looking back at where you've been (which will now also take on a new quality).

From the flowers... Flowers bloom even when there is no one to witness, acknowledge or admire. (I love this medicine!)

I wrote these messages in my journal while sitting at our final campsite, overlooking 3 lakes and expansive and profound earthly beauty. I was admiring the huge pines and twisted junipers, noticing how many of them were growing right out of the rock. And flowers insistently shooting through whatever cracks they could find. So much vibrant life happening even in stark conditions. I was reminded how mysterious and magical life is.

It feels good to write this all down, to be vulnerable. And to know I can come back to it again and learn from these messages. Grateful for the lessons, the learnings and this life!